When I had a flu-like virus recently, I neglected to perform the proper Facebook procedure for illness. I humbly beg forgiveness for my failure to post hourly updates on my condition. I know all my friends wanted to be kept informed as to what degree my fever was, as well as the color of my snot, but I really was too ill to make these important status updates. Please pardon my shocking dereliction of duty. I swear I'll do better in future.
This regrettable lapse on my part has reminded me of other, nearly as heinous, Facebook sins I have committed. I have not conspicuously displayed my love for my husband by means of frequent "Love ya, babe!" comments and pictures tagged "The Love of My Life!" I've also overlooked my duty to post daily pictures of my children doing super-duper, awesome, amazing feats like sleeping or eating. I promise to rectify this glaring omission immediately. I will even go the extra mile, as some of my friends have done, and regularly post pictures of me with my children running mundane errands, and title them, "With my sweeties!" or "Out and about with my little buddies!"
Most importantly of all, I have not publicly praised My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and posted somewhat stilted prayers that attempt to sound eloquent and flowery. If I deny him before men, he will deny me before his father in heaven. Therefore, all good Christians should stand on the Facebook corner and pray publicly, to be seen of men. This is also something I shall correct. I will post daily prayers. On Sundays, I will also post a blow-by-blow account of the morning church service, with an inspirational scripture. I will witness to my unbelieving friends on their walls. When any of my friends make a statement or post a link on their own walls that is not correct according to my beliefs, I will immediately reply with The Truth, tell them they are going to hell, then defriend and block them. I will stand up for Jesus against the forces of Satan on Facebook!
Again, I plead for your forgiveness of my transgressions. From here on out, I promise to abide by all Facebook rules regarding the posting of trivial details of my life.